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*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”