I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans