there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it