Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
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My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids