*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world