*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Breaking news:
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead