Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Flowers bee like
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
are they though??