Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.