*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.