[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
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Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
nyc:
ready to be harvested
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me if I was a dog
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.