@rantingmd: googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
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@WilliamAder: "Grammies" is a shortening of "gramophones." Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) "Phonies."
@Donna_McCoy: I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "How did your first day as a lifeguard go?" Me: "Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me."
@Phreemann: [security patting down mouse] "Any cheese on your person, sir?" [waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand] "He's clean."