If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
🙂🙃🥹
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”