[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.