@TheFakeCNN: GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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@YayForJam: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
@PetrickSara: Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch? Husband: 4: 7: Me: Well... 7: It really could have been any of us. 4: (licks couch)
@slimmy_shady: Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
@Chumpstring: In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.