@TheFakeCNN: GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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@AlsBoy: Guys, don't let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren't wearing them probably don't want to talk to you either
@IamEnidColeslaw: I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
@FlyJ_: Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
@lyric_intent: [Bank Robbery] Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I'LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU! *Friends theme begins to play over PA* *Everyone sweats nervously*