GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
No laws when master is gone
Every work call, he judges.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
do horses think humans are hats
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.