GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?