Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
omg leave her alone
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
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