Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.