Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
don’t be scared
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds