Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
You Might Also Like
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.