Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.