Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels