Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me irl
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.