Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
my mind
You just read my mind
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
We are the people our parents warned us about.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.