@JessicaNorthey: Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don't have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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@BillyCorben: They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant -- and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
@carlyken: You haven't truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
@iwearaonesie: wife *buying dinosaur balloons* clerk: Is it someone's birthday? *smiles at toddler* wife: It is clerk: How old? wife: 35