Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
“That’s what” – She
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I have many caverns
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Breaking news:
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?