Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Oops I deleted….
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*