BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
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My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Möther may I have a snäck
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”