@scorpicpanda: Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!" 12: (sarcastically) "What abs?" Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."

@MichaelaOkla: I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

@Brianhopecomedy: "Oh, we're going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked." - my 2 year old

@MatCro: [meeting] DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI PRODUCER: Yes! D: A huge cast P: Agreed! D: Realistic family photos P: We don't have the budget

@CubanaMama82: I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it's obvious he had no idea how letters work.