i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My inexpensive home security system…
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy