If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.