@Leemanish: Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to... you know, "happen" to them.
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@VelouriaDaze: *walks into lift* Guy: going down? Me: I'll need a first date for that. *silence* *doors open* Dammit Twitter!
@ShawnIzadi: Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
@bracealmighty: My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
@pevbim: I've never held a baby before "It'll be fine" *I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*