Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
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Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon