I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
You Might Also Like
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”