“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*limbos away from your hug*
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*