What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.