Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Would you wear it?
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha