Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]