@LeahTiscione: Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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@zbinski: The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
@StellaRtwot: If an interviewer asks you: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" say "I don't know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?"
@3sunzzz: If you can't get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can't hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
@slimmy_shady: Me: "Get me a newspaper."Friend: "Don't be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad." Poor spider never knew what hit it.