Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Incredible customer service.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.