@LeahTiscione: Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
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@aka_fatman: Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
@aka_fatman: Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
@SamuelHLowe: It's not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else.
@Brianhopecomedy: "Daddy?" "Yes?" "What are you doing?" "Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter."