@copymama: Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I'm tweeting this from the closet.
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@johnistoasted: I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
@BrettDruck: May he without sin cast the first stone [Everybody picks up rocks] Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin [Everybody puts rocks back down]
@djdarrellripley: It's true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there's an important lesson here... Don't have kids.
@vxlk: All dates are 'blind dates.' The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.