Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread