Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I saw nothing
calling in to work dehydrated
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?