@tsm560: Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
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@Pappiness: Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a "heartbroken" Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
@Reel2Dialog2: Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself. Me: What? No way. Pizza: Why not? Me: That's a really good point.
@ohpeetie: [ during job interview ] - "Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?" - "I give up, why?"
@TheToddWilliams: Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue