@tsm560: Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [loud crashes] Me: What was that? 4-year-old: Nothing. Me: 4: Me: OK. Parenting is easier than it looks.
@dubiousgenius: WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
@SortaBad: All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don't drink tequila anymore.