Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)