“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You Might Also Like
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
me after drinking all the wine:
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.