Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Guy who likes music
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?