For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.