Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
the battle rages on
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.