Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
is this meant to deter me
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
The news is so predictable nowadays