got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
We all have our pet causes.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
New favorite tiktok
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat