Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.