Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.