@seanscrap: Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine.
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@ClaytonSykes: After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation's trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
@OutOnTheMoors: "Suddenly, my hair collapsed." - And I started to regret offering to edit my friend's first novel.
@JermHimselfish: Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@panmidwest: THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day! ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?