If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Received some very disappointing news today
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.