I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either