*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote