@AristotlesNZ: Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
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@quikkim: If I was named Edward Normus, I'd use my first name's initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
@DumbConfessions: Wrong hole. No. Still the wrong hole. Only ONE in each hole! Ugh. Here! I'll show you. -Helping my kid put on a swimsuit.
@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.