@AristotlesNZ: Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
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@MatCro: *phone rings* Wife - "Quick! Pretend I'm not in!" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - "....""
@jlock17: Subway only exists because we're all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here's $8."
@NicestHippo: Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? "No!" Oh really. And what's your first name? "Indiana" [jury gasps]