@brennadine: Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can't stop stripping.
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@hazelmotes1: When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
@lilgapeach30: If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I'ma need one of you to make good on the "I'll help you hide a body" promise.
@MarlonBrandNO: MOM: Story time ME: Yay! MOM: it's called "The Little Engine that Could, but doesn't cuz he's a little shit that won't move out" ME: mom?
@realbjdunne: [Mexican Restaurant] Waiter: a little salsa for your chips, folks? Patron: I dunno... *looks at chips* you guys want him to dance for you?