Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Bring back the McRib
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively